The Search for Ron

By Ben Avery, John Kanost & Gordon Scott

Ben rushed into the brig and looked into Finley's cell. He was on the floor, writhing in pain. He was choking.

"Is it blood?" Avery asked. "He's choking on his blood!"

"No, it be worser'n that," said Raymond. "It's Ronnie's ketchup. He's takin' over yer friend's body!"

Back in Lamedock, on the Powerhouse, Wayne sat in his quarters, reading a copy of Sports Illustrated. It was an article about the Gamma Ball championship on Graxus V.

"Man," said Wayne, "that looks kinda dangerous! When those balls explode, those guys get spewed everywhere! But, I digress..." Suddenly, Wayne stopped, for a strange noise had begun and was getting louder.

DOODLOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOODLOO! The air began to shimmer, and Wayne's best friend, Garth, appeared!

"Wayne! Wayne! You gotta help me, man! I barely escaped with my life!"

"Escaped? Escaped from what?"

"From the Grisly, man! It got blown up, into smithereens, man!"

"Coup!"

"No, it's not coup! It was..." Garth got really quiet. "It was Mung, man! He was with the OCOAGE, and they blew us up!"

"How'd you know it was Mung, dude?"

"He sent us a message right before they shot us, man! We gotta go back and stop him!"

"Whoa! No way, man, I'm afraid of Mung! I'm not going back there, man!"

"But Commodore Scot and Mister Stock are stranded on the planet!"

"So what?"

"T'Pringle is there, too!"

"Whoa, a babe! Let's go!" DOODLOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOODLOO!

As Derk wiped the red McGoo off of his face, Scot looked at his chonometer and said, "Hmmm, it's time to check in with Snotty. It's been an hour since I beamed down." But when he opened his communicator, he only got subspace static. T'Pringle and Stock got out their tricorders and scanned the atmosphere.

"Commodore, the Grisly is no longer in orbit around this planet," said Mr. Stock, "and that can only mean one thing."

"That they got hungry, and went to McPlanet for lunch?"

"No. The Grisly has been-- destroyed!"

"No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

After the Benterprise emerged from the traffic jam, they quickly made their way to the planet of Leviticus.

"Allura, I want you to hail the Grisly. Tell Commodore Scot that we're coming. We don't want any interruptions."

"Aye, sir." Moments passed... "Sir, they are not responding."

"That's odd." Was it a trick? Avery didn't want to take the chance.

"No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

Avery assembled his crew.

"Listen," Avery said, "I'm not sure what's going to happen. If you don't want to go through with this, you can take a shuttle and you'll be picked up by the next starship. I'll take the blame; it is my fault." He paused. "I guess what I'm saying is, if you don't want to help me rescue Ron, you can leave. I don't want to force you to stay."

"No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

Avery wept openly. The only people on the Benterprise were Finley, Kootonga, Ron's parents, and Allura. The rest of the crew had left, all 422 of them packed into the Mini-McShip. Avery wept openly.

"Would yew quit that bawlin'? Ah'm getting' sick of yer wushiness!" yelled Raymond.

"Hey," Kootonga said, "I'm just a simple cave man, unfrozen from the ice in Alaska by some of your scientists. I cannot comprehend your magic giant metal birds that soar through the heavens. But there is one thing I do know... if a man wants to show his feelings, he has every right to do so."

"Yes," Allura said. "I think it's attractive for a man to reveal his innermost emotions."

"Really?" Avery said. "Too bad I only had a speck in my eye."

"APPROACHING LEVITICUS. RESTRICTED ZONE," the computer said.

"Continue course," commanded Avery. Suddenly, a strange duo appeared!

DOODLOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOODLOO!

"Wayne! It's the Benterprise!"

"Party on, Garth!"

"Party on, Wayne!"

Meanwhile, the 422 Benterprise crew members on the Mini-McShip had decided to set a course for McPlanet. But things were a little cramped...

Stock used an ancient Vulgar means of persuasion on his captain. "Yes!" said Stock.

"Okay!" said Scot, "But if the Grisly was destroyed, that means we are stranded down here alone!"

"No, captain, not alone. Whoever destroyed Grisly is here as well."

"Sir!" exclaimed Mr. Out-of-Proportion, "There are lifeforms down on the planet!"

"What?" yelled Lord Mung. "We must investigate this! Great Robo-Brain Cyborg Guy with only Head and Shoulders on Jets, take Brainman and Bigmouth and investigate the lifeform readings!"

Meanwhile, the IKV Aargh achieved orbit around Leviticus.

"Sir," exclaimed Commander Kurtz, "I'm receiving lifeform readings from the planet!" Kobill shot Kurtz.

"We must investigate! Kallous! Take Kzutr and Klutz and investigate the lifeforms!"

"Sir," exclaimed Allura, "I'm receiving lifeform readings from the planet!"

"What?" yelled Avery. "We must investigate! Kootonga, take Wayne and Garth and investigate the lifeforms."

As the three ships beamed down their crews to Leviticus, Scot, T'Pringle, Stock, and Derk made their way into the dense tropical jungle that spread out before them, attempting to hide themselves from the unknown enemy.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUGH!" As soon as the transporter was energized, Kootonga knew something had gone horribly awry. As he materialized, he felt extraordinary pain and was knocked unconscious.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUGH!" As soon as the transporter was energized, Kallous knew something had gone horribly awry. As he materialized, he felt extraordinary pain and was knocked unconscious.

When he awoke again, he felt extremely strange, and on top of that, everyone was staring at him.

"What? What?" he said. Somehow, his voice sounded wrong.

"Gagh! Such disgrace! Being tainted with primitive human blood!" growled a nearby Clingon. It was at that point that Kootonga/Kallous realized the horrible reality. His voice was wrong, and his skin was noticably darker-- or was it lighter? He found it hard to remember what color it was supposed to be. The Benterprise and the Aargh had both beamed down at the same time, to the same coordinates! He had become, through molecular fusion, UNFROZEN CAVEMAN CLINGON!

"Totally heinous situation!" yelled Wayne and Garth in unison.

The Mini-McShip plodded along, headed for McPlanet.

"Where are the lifeforms?" queried the Great Robo-Brain Cyborg Guy with only Head and Shoulders on Jets.

"I do not know," said Brainman.

"We must contact Black Revenge, even though it is a shade of gray, on this problem."

"OKAY!" Bigmouth pulled out his communicator. "HEY GUYS! BLACK REVENGE! COME IN, BLACK REVENGE, EVEN THOUGH IT'S A SHADE OF GRAY!"

Kobill, who had become more and more mentally unstable throughout the course of the story, snapped. He pulled out his disruptor, set it to kill, and shot everyone. Kobill shot Kurtz. Kobill shot Klutz. He shot Kzutr. And, he shot Zkutr.

Kobill shot everyone on the Aargh, and set it on a collision course with the Benterprise before transporting down to the planet.

"Sir!" Allura said, "I've got a bogey on my screen!"

"Well, grab a tissue and wipe it off," replied Ben.

"No, a bogey! A Clingon bird-of-prey is on a collision course with us!"

"Let's get out of here!" Avery grabbed Finley and ran down to the transporter room. He beamed them both down to the planet, knowing he'd never set foot on his ship again.

Avery looked into the sky, standing beside his friend, a tear on his cheek. He watched as his ship, his life, went up in flames.

"I lost her before, but this time..." Another tear. "Korb, what have I done?" Finely looked at his friend, his skin white, his nose red, his hair red. He then, tenderly, as a McDonald will, said,

Kobill searched for his landing party. He found his landing party. He shot his landing party. Kobill was emotionally unstable.

Wayne and Garth ran away, but the Unfrozen Caveman Clingon didn't.

"I'm going to kill you." Kobill said. "I am insane. I was driven emotionally unstable by Avery. He has ruined my career. I used to have a B10. Now I have nothing! I'm going to kill you."

"I am just a cave man, unfrozen by some scientists in Alaska, and genetically fused with a Clingon by one of your magic disappearing devices. I don't know much, but there is one thing I do know--

Kobill shot Unfrozen Caveman Clingon.

The crew of OCOAGE beamed down to the planet, leaving their ship in the care of the Great Robo-Brain Cyborg Guy with only Head and Shoulders on Jets. They discovered Derk, T'Pringle, Stock, and Ron, hiding in the bushes.

"Sooo..." a hooded figure said, "We meet!" He paused. "Where is Avery?"

"Aga hoo-hoo dunga mina," said Ron, who had no marbles. He didn't have a mind, either.

"We do not know where he is, sir," said T'Pringle.

"No matter! I will kill that Warlock when I find him!"

Kobill found Wayne and Garth hiding behind a rock.

"I'm going to kill you!"

"No, don't do that!" yelled Wayne.

"I think I'm gonna hurl!" cried Garth. They ran, trying to "doodloodloo" out before Kobill could shoot them. They were halfway out, saying "doodloo" when he fired. They were zapped into another dimension, scattered into a million particles.

Lord Mung and the OCOAGErs took their prisoners and hunted for Avery. Fortunately, Avery found them first. Unfortunately, Kobill found them next. He shot all of them except Ben, Ron, and Mung. Mung fled, Ron said "a goo-goo goober," and Ben attacked Kobill.

Scot came out of the woods, finished doing his business.

"T'Pringle? Stock? Derk?" No answer. Suddenly, Mung burst out into the clearing. "Lord Mung?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I want to destroy that Warlock, Avery!" Scot smiled. "Why are you smiling, Mr. Scot?"

Well, a lot of things occurred then. Scot and Lord Mung tried to find Avery. Kobill tried to kill Avery, but his disruptor ran out of energy. Avery killed Kobill with a patented knock-out method that got out of hand. He grabbed Kobill's communicator.

"Maltz! Choeeeee Chuu!"

"What are you blabbering about?" said a voice. It was from the OCOAGE ship.

"B-Ben? B-Ben Finney?"

"Yes. Is that you, Avery? You blew my body up when you did not warn me that the Tubax engines were malfunctioning. I want to kill you!"

"I did too warn you!"

"Oh, you did? Okay."

"Can you beam me up?"

"Yeah--

Suddenly a new voice was heard! "I AM THE REAL LORD MUNG! DIE, FOOL!" Static was on the communicator.

Scot walked with his lackey. He smiled again, thinking about how he had found these people who hated Avery. He needed a leader for them, and he had found Harley Bifbikus, an insane little guy who believed everything he heard. Scot had told him that he was Lord Mung, and that Ben Avery was the Warlock Lord O' Joy, Mung's mortal enemy. So, Harley believed it. It was the perfect plan.

But now, he had to face Avery. With Harley at his side, he had to destroy Ben. Ever since they had been little Gordo and Benny in the third grade, he had wanted to kill Avery. Why? Because everything Ben did, he did it a little better, faster, or longer than Scot. And Scot hated it. He knew it back in fourth grade when Avery and he were having a farting contest on the playground. Ben went longer, louder, and smellier. Scot knew he had to kill Avery. So far he had failed.

But not today.

Using his pocket tuba, Avery restored Ron's ketchup to his body. Ron said, "Hey, thanks, Benny-boy! I wanna give you a free Big Mac!" Ben couldn't bring himself to tell Ron his parents had died.

"But you hafta pay for the fries! HA!"

"Ron, your parents are dead! They blew up! Baboom! Like a stick of dynamite!" Ron burst into tears and sobbed the long, wailing sob of a McPerson, which sounds a lot like strangled laughter. He ran into the forest, bawling.

"Maybe I was a bit hard on him," said Ben.

"Nah," said Finley. Suddenly, a robed figure and a man in standard Lamefleet uniform stepped into the clearing.

"Hello Ben."

"Scot! I knew it was you. You were behind it all, weren't you?" He sighed. "All those attempted assassinations. It was you."

"Yes. Yes it was." Gordon sneered. "Get him, Mung!"

Mung lunged at Avery, but Finley flung himself between them, taking the blow himself. He died instantly.

"Finley! Finley!" Avery turned on Scot. "You killed him! He gave his life to save me! I'm going to kill you!" Ben whipped out his multipurpose pocket tuba and pointed it at Gordon.

Suddenly, in a poof of black smoke, the real Lord Mung appeared in the clearing.

"DIE!" He zapped the imposter. "DIE!" He zapped his imposter's master. He looked at Avery next. "DIE!" Just then, the Warlock, Lord O' Joy flew in.

"HERE I AM, TO SAVE THE DAY!" The two super-entities began to battle it out.

They battled and battled and battled and battled, causing the whole universe to go

Only the unstable Leviticus planet remained, saved by the McMatter in its structure. A map of the universe, had there been one, would have had only the single star Gamma Bootie orbited by Gamma Bootie IV, the Leviticus Planet.

Avery sat on top of the hill. He was the last living soul in the universe. Alone. Forever. The super-entities were dead. Even Gordon would have been welcome to Avery, but he was dead. Avery cried.

The End?

No!

Ron McDonalds ran up the hill. Avery looked at the obnoxious clown. Now, he was Avery's only companion in an empty universe.

"Hey, Benny-boy! How 'bout some good ol' food, folks and fun, grease, fat and cholesterol?"

Ben picked up Kobill's discharged disruptor. Using his pocket tuba, he recharged it full of energy. Then he shot Ron with it. Ron fell to the ground, dead.

Avery sat on a hill and began to play the blues on his tuba.

And he was still a clown.

The Real End... of Everything

Or is it?

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