The Quest of Ben

By John Kanost & Gordon Scott

"Love verks! Aaah!" The party on the Powerhouse was grinding slowly to a halt. All the games had been played, and there was no more Sorryan brandy left. T's'p'k'lk'd'r'p's'n'm'f'z'tk'a and several others had wandered back up to the bridge, and were now lying stoned drunk at various positions.

"Wheeeeeeeee... gggottah parteeeggg-g-g-ggg..." mumbled the Sorryan as he slumped down into the captain's chair. Suddenly, a brilliant light flooded the bridge followed by the soft chime of a transporter beam...

"You idiot! It's your fault he got away, and now we're both gonna get beheaded because of your stupidity!"

"Who are you calling idiot, moron? You're the one who started it!"

"Why you little--

"Why you big--

BIFF! WHAP! THUNK! BAM!

Gordon was furious. For the last hour, after his appearance on the bridge, the commodore had flown from station to station, screaming out reprimands at his senior officers.

"You are the elite of all that Lamefleet has produced! You are the crew of the Powerhouse! Does that mean anything to you?" Scot turned and stormed over to T's'p'k'lk'd'r'p's'n'm'f'z'tk'a. "You are the first officer of the flagship of the Federation! You're supposed to be a model of decorum for the entire crew to follow! And what do you do when your captain is indisposed?"

T's'p'k'lk'd'r'p's'n'm'f'z'tk'a blandly stared at the commodore, barely keeping his balance while he stood groggily at attention.

"The 'model officer' gets liquored up on Lamulan booze! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Kappa gleeb boosh gabimba dinghy," came the unintelligible reply as the officer crashed to the deck.

Whopperama was exhausted. Everybody in the room had been turned into Burger Klingon menu items except for Ben, who was unconscious in the corner.

"That'll teach 'em not to defy the Burger King!" said Whopperama. "Come on, Saladrama, let's get back to the city." Saladrama, the only being as yet unharmed (physically) by his cousin's wrath, followed meekly behind, secretly mourning over the condition of his friend, Kanost.

"Oh, my aching neck!" groaned Ben as he woke up. Sitting up on the cold stone surface, he realized he was alone. "Whew, I don't think I can take much more abuse! Where is everybody?" Painfully rising to his feet, Ben called out, but got no answer. As he stumbled over to the Yellow Brick Nose, which was still parked where he had left it, he noticed that the floor was littered with greasy fast food items.

"Hey, I'm hungry!" said Ben. "And none of this stuff has been opened yet! I think I'll just--

Suddenly, Ben stopped, remembering what had happened to Bozo and Ron.

"Hmmm... maybe I can change them back with the tuba..."

After dragging his unconscious exec down to sickbay, Gordon stormed to the ship's weapons arsenal, where he requisitioned a phaser rifle. He then proceeded to the tranporter room, determined to beam down and find someone who was in charge.

"Energize!"

Hefting the ruby tuba in his arms, Ben hesitated. He had no idea how the thing worked! One wrong fingering, one off note, and something terrible could happen. And he didn't even know what the right fingering was!

"Hmmm... maybe I'd better not... after what happened before. I-- no. This is the only way!" Ben slowly, cautiously put his lips to the mouthpiece, took a deep breath, blew, and

suddenly found himself standing on the bridge of the Powerhouse! Before he knew it, he was surrounded by half a dozen security guards, and Cajun Mann had a phaser leveled at his head.

"Ah, it's an invazhon! Drop your weapon!" Ben obeyed, putting the tuba gently on the deck.

"Please, let me talk to your captain! I'm with Lamefl--

"Oh no-o-o! Mucho unfortunadio-o!" sang Opera Mann. "Intrude-e-ero-o! Mucho dangeroso! Off-a to the brig-o-o!"

"No! Wait! Please, I'm not--

Ben's pleas were cut off as the security detachment herded him into the turbolift and whisked him away to the brig.

Ron and Bozo jumped around in glorious jubilation. They had been changed back into McPeople again! The two gazed around in wonder. Everybody else was screaming... what was wrong?

Meanwhile, Scot had beamed down to the planet...

Whopperama strode into the throne room, extremely pleased with himself.

"So," he thought, "Benerama was a traitor after all. No one defies the Burger King! No one!" Just then, Commodore Scot materialized in the room.

"Drop your Whopper!" he ordered.

"YOU DEFY ME?" screamed the wizard.

"YES!" screamed Gordon in return. Whopperama was speechless. No one had ever before claimed to defy him outright! Now he didn't know how to react. This situation was totally unknown to him, even when he had ruled on Homeofthewhopper.

"I repeat: drop your Whopper!"

"Well! I-- you-- oh! Man, I-- DOH!" Whopperama dropped his Whopper.

"Transporter room!" called Scot. "Two to beam up!" In a matter of seconds, the throne room was empty... almost. Saladrama grabbed the Burger King's Whopper and ran out of the room.

Scot stepped onto the bridge of the Powerhouse after detaining Whopperama in sickbay. "I'll know that guy better than he knows himself when I'm through interrogating him!" he thought. As he sat down in his command chair, Cajun Mann shouted from his station at ops.

"Capton! Capton! Detekshon, alien prezonce! Recommendashon?"

"Yellow alert! Shields up!"

"Captain, zey are hailink os," informed Shprocket.

"On screen." A rather unkempt-looking man, wearing a cape, a propeller beanie, and what appeared to be a sonic blender over his head, appeared.

"Excuse me," he began, "but would you happen to know where the Ominous Consortium of Avery's Greatest Enemies is? We've been searching for years, but haven't been able to find it. You see, we'd like to join it because Avery left the airlock open on my ship when he left it and I lost three-fourths of my crew to the vacuum of space. I want to kill him!"

"No, sorry," came the response. "I think you have the wrong dimension. They're in the third dimension which is all destroyed right now. I can't help you."

"Thanks anyway. I'm sure we'll find it someday!" With that, the communication ended.

"How strange!" said Dietor. "Sounds luscious." Scot had grown slightly pale.

Meanwhile, in the Powerhouse's brig, Ben sat on his cot, staring at the security officer standing outside his door.

"How on earth did I get myself into this mess?" he thought hopelessly. "I wish it could all just go back to the way things used to be." Ben noticed that the security guard was looking nervous, so he decided to talk to him. "Hey guard! What's eatin' ya?"

"Huh? What? Huh? Is there a bug on me?" said the man as he peered frantically over both shoulders.

"No. I meant, 'what's bothering you'?"

"Um, I'm just worried that I might mess up again."

"Mess up?"

"Well, on my last posting, I messed up, and several dangerous criminals got away. Sometimes, it just seems like I can't do anything right! I'm gonna lose my job, I'm twently pounds overweight, and no one will ever love me!"

"Hey, c'mon! You shouldn't berate yourself like that!"

"Oh-- you're right-- sniff-- I'm sorry. I just hafta keep thinking: 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough... and doggonit, people like me!"

"Hey-hey, McFriends! Doesn't feel McGood to be alive?" shouted Ron enthusiastically as Bozo cheered him on.

"Aaaaaauuuuugh!" screamed Kanost, LaForge, and Noghwhan, who didn't particularly enjoy being clowns.

"Illogical! Illogical! B-bbb-b-r-rrrggg-g!" yelled Spot, who then entered into a Vulgar healing trance and keeled over. Just then, four people walked in from an adjoining room.

"I believe the restroom is this way, gentlemen. If you'll just fol-- intriguing!" Input stopped, followed by Wayne, Garth, and Finley.

"No hway! We're back where we started! We're never going to find the bathroom!" complained Wayne.

"Hway! I'm gonna bust soon, man!" replied Garth.

"Uh, what happened to you guys? And where's Ben?" Korb asked.

Saladrama, carrying the Whopper and the magic scepter, hopped into the cockpit of the Whopper Warper which had served him so well in the past. Setting it on auto-pilot, he gave it a course.

"Computer! Take me to the witch's castle at top planetary speed! Now!"

Captain Scot quickly recovered from his brush with the past, and remembered Whopperama, whom he had left in medical.

"Security, report to sickbay. When the prisoner's examination has been completed, take him to the brig. Lieutenant Smalley will handle him from there." Completing the order, Gordon surveyed his bridge.

"Mister Shprocket! What is that?" Scot had noticed the bright red tuba sitting near the Vu-Screen^©. "How did it get here?" That particular instrument reminded him too much of the past... and of a death that he now regretted.

"Vell, Captain, eet's quite a luscious tale. It vas an eentruder, and he brought that euro-trash along vit him."

"Where is the intruder now?"

"In detenshon, Capton," responded Cajun Mann.

"Very well. I'm going to the brig to interrogate the intruder. Mr. Mann, you have the bridge."

"You let go of me at once! Right now! I will not stand for this!"

"I'm sorry, I can't. The captain ordered that you be taken directly to the brig."

"DO YOU DEFY ME?"

"I'm just following orders, sir."

"YOU DEFY ME!"

"I'm afraid so."

"...DOH!"

Saladrama sped toward the castle with all the power the small Whopper Warper could muster. "Faster, you stupid piece of junk!" he yelled, beating the Whopper against the warper's control panel. "Move!" The warper streaked across the Schnozian sky, gaining more and more speed. Suddenly, Saladrama hit the air brakes! SKREEEEEE!

What had once been the witch's castle was now a pile of rubble with no signs of life.

"This is all Scot's fault!" thought Saladrama. "Now I cannot fulfill my plans! Unless..." An evil grin came to Saladrama's face as he changed the course of the Whopper Warper to ascend into orbit.

"You!" exclaimed Ben as Gordon strode into the brig area. "You-- traitor! Aldairian scum! I'll kill you!" Ben leapt forward in blind fury, but was held back by Smalley's security contingent.

"Ben! I thought you were dead!" Scot was shocked to see his old comrade alive and well.

"That's what you always wanted isn't it? But I--

"Ben, let me explain--

"Explain what, you useless excuse for an officer? Explain how you allowed millions of people to die needlessly?" ranted Ben.

"That's not fair, Ben! You know I wouldn't have purposely caused their deaths," pleaded Scot. "I've changed since then-- you must realize that!"

"Hollow words do not befit men of our status, Scot!" spat the Admiral.

"Ben, forgive me for my actions," said Scot quietly.

"Go to--

"Please... let the past die... let's start over. I'm sorry!" The room was utterly silent as the two enemies glared at each other.

"I... I promise... I won't criticize your tuba playing again..." mumbled Scot.

"Ever?" whispered Avery.

"Ever. I'll even make formal apologies about events as far back as the Benterprise mutiny, if you like." Scot held out his hand. "I was wrong."

Ben looked at Gordon, then the security officer, and back to the commodore. Then, he slowly extended his hand and grasped Scot's. "Friends?" asked Scot.

"Friends," came the reply.

Saladrama set the Whopper Warper on autopilot as he approached his intended desination. He then grabbed the Whopper and the scepter and ran to the back to beam off the shuttle.

Commodore Scot and Admiral Avery stepped onto the bridge of the Powerhouse. Avery had informed Scot of "Project Deuteronomy" en route to the bridge, and now they were going to proceed with it.

"Commodore!" exclaimed Cajun Mann, "Federashon congregashon this locashon! Recommendashon?" He was pointing to a graphic relief map of the planet below.

"Beam them directly to the bridge immediately, Mr. Mann!" ordered Scot.

"Wow! That earthquake was most un-righteous!" exclaimed Wayne. "I'm talkin' total demolition! Bogus!" The rest of the group, recovering from the traumatic experience, ignored Wayne. Suddenly, a transporter beam gripped the group and whisked them away...

Whopperama was depressed. He was confined in a brig, all alone, with no servants to whop. He had even lost his Whopper and his magic scepter! What was he to do?

Saladrama tranported over to the Powerhouse, ready for action. "Freeze!" he yelled as he materialized on the bridge. "One move and I'll whop your brains out!"

"Don't move anyone, he'll do it!" warned Scot. But Ensign Gleeb reached up to scratch his head.

WHOP! THUNK! The good ensign staggered and fell back against the power switch to the engineering hull.

As the power went off all over the ship, the security fields in the brig disappeared. Whopperama raced out of his cell, for now that the power was off, he could escape.

Meanwhile, up on the bridge, Ben took advantage of the situation and inched his way toward the ruby tuba. Saladrama was looking the other way...

Almost there...

Saladrama turned! Ben lunged at the tuba, grasped the mouthpiece, and blew. Hard. Beneath them, the planet of Schnoz blew up.

"Whoopsie!" Saladrama swung the scepter in Ben's direction. Fierce blue light arced out from the magic weapon, landing its full force onto...

Dagrett the Intrensic Geeshba declares war on Kodra the Terrible, starting the first in a series of Zebulan Wars, the carnage of which has been totally unknown in the explored universe since the Alkeya Civil War and the downfall of Jascalan the Mighty Revaldi.

...Whopperama, who ran right into the path of the beam, having run all the way from the brig to the bridge. The poor guy vanished. Saladrama let out a muffled scream and ran off the bridge.

Meanwhile, Ben was in mourning. "Drat!" he thought, "this is the third time I've lost the Benterprise!" The ship had still been on the planet when it exploded. "What am I going to do?" exclaimed Ben to Gordon.

"Hey!" Gordon replied, "Saladrama dropped the scepter on the floor when he ran! Maybe we could use it to our advantage!"

"Now that's an idea!"

Ben Skywalker looked up at his companion, Obi-Jon Kanosti, who had suddenly gone deathly pale.

"What's wrong, Obi-Jon? Are you all right?"

"I felt a major disturbance in the force. As if billions of voices suddenly cried out-- and were silenced."

"Oh no! Some fool's gone and blown up another planet!"

Ben picked up the scepter and looked at it in fascination. "What should I do first?"

"First, you can change me, Spot, LaForge, and Noghwhan back to normal, old friend!" yelled Kanost as he and his "troop" stormed onto the bridge.

"Why, certainly! Just hold still..." Kanost, Noghwhan, LaForge, and Spot lined up to be restored to their former selves. "I just hope I can work this thing okay..."

As Lieutenant Smalley rounded a corner, he saw a figure, all in green, huddled against a bulkhead, weeping. Stuart, being the caring individual that he was, stopped to see if he could help.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing! It's just that my planet blew up, and I killed my last living relative, that's all!" In despair, Saladrama began beating his head against the wall.

"Just say to yourself, 'it was only an accident. I didn't mean to kill my only living relative, and I refuse to beat myself up, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me!' You see? Everything'll be A-okay! Hey, what are you doing? There's no need to get violent!"

WHOP!

Ben was raising the scepter for what seemed like the hundredth time when his friends yelled.

"Wait! You got it right this time!" Ben looked up, and saw two humans, on Vulgar, and one... one... one Noghwhan. In the past half hour, the four had been ducks, pigs, horses, wargz, Zantian mud geese, donkeys, beer nuts, Baludian mosquitoes of death, cows, chickens, toads, baseballs, forks, Gunthangian Zipthaynge beasts, and red painted gazebos. But now, they were back to their old selves. Except for Spot, who was still suffering from mental degradation. Suddenly, the intercom beeped, and Ben quickly responded, forgetting he was on Gordon's ship.

"Avery here, go ahead."

"Oh, Admiral! Uh, security here. We've just found Lieutenant Smalley and an unknown alien unconscious on deck six. Apparently, the intruder knocked out the lieutenant and then hit himself repeatedly over the head until he passed out."

"Take Lieutenant Smalley to sickbay, and put the other fellow in the brig. He's likely quite insane."

"Aye, sir."

"Avery out." Ben turned around and looked at the Vu-Screen^©. A panoramic, star-spattered view of the universe spread out before him. It was breathtaking-- but it was alien to him.

"Let's get down to business."

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 37014.87 Using Whopperama's scepter, we have been able to restore our own universe to its previous state, avoiding the dangerous and unsure plan to use anti-antimatter. I am now on board the Benterprise, which I have also restored to existence, and the ships Powerhouse and Vengeance are traveling with us on our voyage home to Lamefleet Command. As far as I can tell, our three vessels and crews are the only people with knowledge of what has occurred. Commander Spot has fully recovered from his mental shock, but I fear that Saladrama never will. The shock of losing two planets along with his entire race has been too much for him. He will be cared for at a Lamefleet rehabilitation center.

Unfortunately, the restoration of the entire universe also includes the Clingons, Lamulans, and all other affiliations that have threatened the Federation. Undoubtedly, we will have to deal with the harassment of Kobill and others like him in the future. But for now, this adventure is at an end, and the Benterprise is at peace once again. For now...

The End

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