The blues.

You sing 'em when you're sad, and you want to release some of your emotions. Everyone has sung the blues, played the blues, or acted out the blues at one time or another. The blues are a universal institution, and no matter where one goes, he cannot find a place where they do not sing the blues.

But after ten years of singing the blues, a man can long for something else. Even the strongest, most courageous man, who has lost everything he ever held dear and still maintained his sanity, can get tired of playing the blues. Especially if he looks like a clown.

The Quest of Ben

By John Kanost & Gordon Scott

Ben put down his tuba and looked around. Nothing had changed. He was still surrounded by the desolate wasteland that had once been the planet Leviticus, and before that, a desolate wasteland. How ironic. Although the planet no longer contained any life of its own, it had Ben, and it had somehow kept him alive these past ten years. Ten years of realizing, continually recognizing, that there was nothing left in the universe but him. When he looked up into the night sky, he saw no stars, no planets, no nothing, just pitch blackness. Ten years of knowing that it was all his fault, and knowing that there was no way he could remedy the situation. Ten years ago, he had thought he wanted to be all alone, so he had killed his last companion. Now he longed for any other being to converse with, or to play tuba for, but there was no one.

Ben sighed, picked up his tuba, and began to play again. Suddenly, the valves on his beloved instrument began sticking! Ben quickly retrieved a vial of tuba valve oil from within the folds of his jacket, and began to unscrew the valve tops in order to relieve the immense bass from its ailment. Just as Ben was about to apply the wonderful salve, he came upon the startling discovery-- the vial was empty!

Meanwhile, in an alternate dimension, two Garth molecules approached each other...

Ben screamed. The past ten years had apparently taken its toll on the oil, and the last of its precious drops had been used up the previous month. Distraught and haggard from the loss of the oil, and consequently his tuba as well (the valves had stuck halfway down, making the thing sound like a dying horse), Ben flung himself on the ground and waited to die.

Meanwhile, in an alternate dimension...

Two Garth molecules collided-- and fused together! The combined molecules suddenly had a new intelligence as one being, and they remembered who they-- who he-- was!

"Oh man! I've got to find some more parts of me! And Wayne, too!"

Ben got up off the ground where he had lain for the past seven months. He wanted to die, but the Leviticus effect wouldn't let him. If there had been anything left in the universe, this place would have been a paradise.

"Curse this existence!" cried Ben. "I hate this place!" He put his hands on his hips and looked around. "I hate it when this happens!" Ben's last thought took him back to his pre-Lamefleet days, when he had been lead singer in his high school band, Avery and the Aviators. Those were good memories, but...

"You know," thought Ben, "I think that's when Gordon really started to hate me. I was so popular back then, and I wouldn't let him be in the band. He just couldn't understand that it was brass and percussion only." Ben's vision blurred as the Acme Patented Flashback Ripple Effect^TM took him back in time...

Bright lights, loud music, shiny tubas. This is what it's all about, thought Ben "Bad Boy" Avery, as the band finished its last song.

"Look, there's Ben Avery! Oh, he's sooo cool!" cried Yolanda Forbush, the prettiest girl in the school. As the lead singer and manager of Avery and the Aviators, Ben heard stuff like that all the time, and he was used to it.

"Why yes, Yolanda. Yes I am." Confidently, Ben strode backstage, where Paul, the lead tubist, was polishing his big brass beauty. Ben was always amazed at the sounds that emerged from its gargantuan bell. "That was some playing tonight, Paul," he said as he walked by. "Sometimes I wish I played the tuba instead of singing."

"You know," replied Paul, "I bet you would be pretty good at it. Why don't you take some lessons?"

"Oh, maybe someday... someday... someday... someday..."

"...someday... someday... someday..." Ben snapped out of his reverie. With no person to talk to, no tuba to play, and no cards for a game of solitaire, he had nothing to occupy his time.

"Well, I've been sitting in the same field for over ten years. I might as well explore the planet and see if it all looks like this."

Meanwhile, in an alternate dimension...

Two Wayne molecules collided-- and fused together! The combined molecules suddenly had a new intelligence as one being, and they remembered who they-- who he-- was!

"Oh man! I've got to find some more parts of me! And Garth, too!"

Once out on his excursion, Ben had not walked very far before he made an astonishing discovery. Once again, the McMatter in Leviticus' matrix had proven its questionable worth. While Ben had spent ten years in a devastated, ruinous field, the entire planet had been recovering from the enormous explosion that had wiped out the universe. Lush vegetation was abundant everywhere, and there were even a few new plant species that Ben did not recognize. However, upon closer inspection of the new plants, he discovered the amazing truth. This meadow, the site of the last great battle of the universe, had absorbed all the molecules of those who had fallen here, and regenerated them into members of the plant kingdom! Ben was gazing upon fields of McMerlin Minor Snapdragons, and McCaveman-Clingon Cacti! McFinley daffodils were in full bloom and the McT'Pringle Pine groves were lush and green. There were even Derk McMucus mulberry trees with McMung moss at their bases! Every person that had been present on that fateful day-- Bigmouth, the Warlock Lord O' Joy, Koobla-Doobla Ghengis Old-Fashioned Khan, and yes, even Brainman, all were immortalized in some leafy counterpart... except one.

"Ben... my old nemesis..." growled a voice. Ben whirled around and found himself staring into the eyes of Kobill! And yet it was not Kobill, but Leviticus' ghastly re-creation of him! Ben wasn't sure what to call him now.

"Yesss, Avery, it is meeee. Yooouuu did this to meee, Avery, and I will haave my reveennge! Ah-ha-ha-haaaaa!" Suddenly, the ground began to tremble, and Ben could scarcely maintain his balance. The earth began to erupt outwards around him as huge, slime covered tendrils burst from beneath the surface, and then reached toward him. With nothing to fight with and nowhere to run, Ben was trapped! Helpless against the appendages of his enemy, Ben struggled in vain as the tentacles wrapped themselves around him and retracted back into the earth, taking him with them. It was at this point that Ben lost consciousness. However, just before he blacked out totally, he thought he heard a faint sound on the surface...

DOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOO!

Meanwhile, back at the barren field where the story began...

Ron slowly opened his eyes. "McWow, that must have been some shot from that disruptor!" he thought. "According to my McTimex, I've been unconscious for ten years and seven months! Good thing Ben is such a poor shot, or I might not be here now!" All of a sudden, Ron's nose began to tingle. "Hmmm... my clowny sense is trying to tell me something."

Suddenly, Ron heard a bloodcurdling scream from the woods. "That sounds like Ben!" he exclaimed. Ron jumped to his feet, every muscle tensed and ready for action. He shot off in a flash, running like greased lightening-- in the wrong direction.

DOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOO! Wayne and Garth materialized in the clearing, amidst great mounds of torn earth.

"Wayne, we're back!"

"Most excellent return! Party on, Wayne and Garth!"

"Wayne, look! There's big holes all over the place! And this one has a piece of a Lamefleet uniform in it!"

"Bogus! The admiral's been captured by a most non-excellent slime creature!"

"Wayne, we've got to save him!"

"Right, dude! Let's go!" Wayne and Garth dove into the hole.

Ben's eyes opened, but he saw nothing. He was in a pitch black cavern, somewhere underground, trapped like a mole in a caved-in mole hole. He tried to stand up, but his head bumped the ceiling, and he was forced to crawl on the hard rock floor. He began to explore, trying to find his way out. Suddenly, he felt a draft of wind, and began to crawl toward it. All of a sudden, he emerged into an underground cavern, illuminated by a light of unknown origin. Vegetation grew as abundantly here as on the surface, and the make-up of the place reminded him of a certain experiment a friend of his did about ten years and eight months ago...

McDonalds kept running.

"Hey dude! I think we're about to hit the bottom of this totally bogus hole, man!" exclaimed Wayne.

"I think I'm gonna hurl!" came the reply.

"Most un-righteous!"

Meanwhile, Kobil the plant-man had returned to the surface.

"Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I have finished you now!" he exclaimed. "Ben, my old nemesis, you shall now be buried in a bed of earth and rock! C'est la vie, old friend!" With that, Kobill covered up the hole and sealed Ben's fate forever. He thought.

"No way!"

"Hway."

"I can't believe it's you! I saw you guys get vaporized!" exclaimed Ben.

"Well, totally excellent Admiral, we have made our most triumphant return!" said Wayne. Wayne, Garth, and Ben were standing in the Leviticus Cave, discussing their situation.

"Yeah, and we saw you get pulled underground by that green slimy dude. What was that?"

"That was Kobill, the Plant-man. Do you remember Kobill?"

"Yeah, he's the one who vaporized us! He was mung, man!" yelled Garth.

"No Garth, Mung was the smelly guy in the gray cloak. Kobill was the crazy guy in leather armor with the disruptor."

"Oh yeah... right."

"Hey, guys," began Ben, "you wouldn't have any... valve... oil... would you?"

"Sorry Captain, we don't have any. Say, can we get out of this totally bogus hole? It's great and everything, but Garth has claustrophobia."

"I do?" inquired Garth.

"Yes," replied Wayne.

"Oh, I forgot. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!"

"Okay, let's go, guys!" DOODLOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOODLOO!

Ron ran over the crest of a hill. Huffing and puffing, he looked around, searching for any sign of his friend. The bloodcurdling screams had ceased at least two hours ago, and Ron just couldn't understand what had happened. As he glanced across the broad valley, he saw several bright reflections off metallic surfaces. When he took a closer look, he realized he had stumbled across the wreckage of the Benterprise!

"Hmmm..." Ron pulled his doctor's McBag out of his pocket and began rummaging through it. After tossing aside several bottles of McValve oil, he found what he was looking for.

"Ahhh! Yesss! My bottle of McElmer's Super Fast Drying Crazy Glue!" Ron took a deep sniff. "Yesss! This'll do the trick! Yesss!"

DOODLOODLOODLOO! DOODLOODLOODLOO!

Ben and company doodlooed back to the surface again, only to find that Kobill had split the scene, so they began to walk back to the field where Ben had left his shiny brass beauty.

Doctor Ron McDonalds few high overhead in the re-pasted Benterprise. "I hope I put it together right!" thought Ron. Just then, Ron saw a shiny golden object glinting in a field below. "I wonder if that's one of those rare plastic McApple Pie trees?" he thought. The popular clown then turned to the only survivor of the Benterprise crash, whom he had found sleeping amongst the wreckage.

"Ensign Noghwhan, beam the shiny object aboard!" commanded Ron. Noghwhan just sat there, so Ron went to the transporter room to beam up the object himself. "Never can find good help these days!" he complained. "Yaaah, energize!" shouted Ron as he operated the controls.

Ben, Wayne and Garth reached the field just in time to see his tuba get caught by a transporter beam and vanish.

"N o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o !"

Ron and Ensign Noghwhan watched as a tuba materialized on the transporter pad. The valves were stuck in a halfway position, and emblazoned across the side of the instrument were the words "Pocket Tuba".

"What's that?" inquired Ensign Noghwhan. These were the first words he had spoken since Ron had awakened him.

"Are you a total McFool?" exclaimed Ron. "That's obviously the Admiral's tuba we've found. Maybe you need a good Big Mac and large fries to cure your memory lapse. I sure wish I knew what good ol' Benny-boy was--

Suddenly, a long, mournful wail pierced the air. "N o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o !"

"What's that?" inquired Ensign Noghwhan.

"That is the sound of ultimate suffering," began McDonalds. "My heart made that sound on the day that Ben told me that my parents were killed. The Admiral makes it now."

"Why's that?" asked the Ensign.

"Because... he has lost the object of his true love... his tuba. We must reunite him with it, quickly! Lock on to his signal and energize, now!"

Ensign Noghwhan just sat there.

"Cursin' cholesterol counts! Do I have to do everything myself?"

As Ben's scream of agony died in his throat, he sank to the ground, and felt the comforting tingle of a transporter beam. Wayne, Garth, and Ben all disappeared, leaving the barren plain devoid of life once more.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE: I DON'T KNOW: After rescuing Wayne, Garth and me, Doctor McDonalds has relinquished the con of the Benterprise to me once again. At 1300 hours, I intend to reveal my plan to restore the universe, which I call "Project Deuteronomy." As soon as we get the ship back to its proper shape, we will use a warp-bubble technique to enter an alternate dimension, and by bringing back some anti-antimatter, we will cause our universe to explode, thus returning it to normal... I hope. Meanwhile, I have an appointment with the good doctor to remove this... unique deformity from my face-- AND HE'D BETTER GET IT RIGHT OR I'LL BLAST HIM OUT OF WHAT REMAINS OF THE SKY!" End log.

Later, in sickbay...

At the briefing...

"So that's what we're going to do!" exclaimed Avery from behind his bandages, ending his proposal.

"That's crazy!" said Wayne.

"He's insane, man!" yelled Garth.

"Lock him in the brig!" cried Noghwhan.

"You want fries with that?"

"Why don't you call it "Project Exodus," or, "Project Re-Genesis," or something like that, instead of "Project Deuteronomy?"

"Because," began Avery, "a 'duet' usually refers to two, which, when taken in the proper context, can refer to a second chance, which is exactly what we are giving to this universe. A 'ron-o' or 'run-on,' in certain Old English dialects, refers to people who babble extremely fast. Well, since the Benteprise must push all available power into warp to enter an alternate dimension, I feel that the connection to speed applies. Finally, who is the captain of this vessel? Me! That's who! And since the 'M-Y' in 'Deuteronomy' sounds like 'me,' the application makes perfect sense! Hence, Deuteronomy! And besides, I like it."

With that, the briefing ended.

By 1500 hours the next day, all was in order, and they were ready to begin. The entire crew (now consisting of five people) had gathered down in engineering.

"Hit the switch, Ensign Noghwhan!" Noghwhan obeyed, and everyone promptly blacked out.

Only about five minutes had passed before they woke up again. A quick sensor scan revealed that their experiment had been an apparent success.

"Okay, everyone, I want you all to go to your quarters and get some rest. I want everyone to be fresh and alert for the next phase of 'Project Deuteronomy'!"

"Aye, aye, sir," said Noghwhan.

"NOT!" cried Wayne and Garth.

"All I need is a McFish sandwich and a large fry!" protested Ron.

"That's an order, people! As for myself, I am going to my quarters to get these bandages off!"

As they departed, Ron giggled nervously, but Avery didn't hear.

Ben stood in front of his mirror and began to unpeel the gauze...

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