Stranded

By John Kanost & Gordon Scott

Far, far away...

Far, far away, in an obscure galaxy...

Far, far away, in an obscure galaxy, on the other side of the universe...

Far, far away, in an obscure galaxy, on the other side of the universe, in the Benterprise...

Far, far away, in an obscure galaxy, on the other side of the universe, in the Benterprise, stranded...

Far, far away, in an obscure galaxy, on the other side of the universe, in the Benterprise, stranded, right before lunch... Captain Ben Avery was contemplating what to do. The latest problem in a string of misfortunes had just occurred.

"Give me my turkey, you stupid, idiotic, sorry excuse for a food replicator!" Avery shouted. He was losing his mind! It had all started when that doggone Lieutenant Commander Gordon Scot had led that revolt— no, that mutiny, on the Benterprise. To punish the traitor, good old Lamefleet, in its infinite wisdom, gave Scot three years of desk work, and then a new command! And what did they give Ben? An untested refit with faulty warp drives! As soon as he had activated them, the miscalibrated things shot off to goodness knows where, dragging his poor Benterprise with them, and then they had broken off and flown off by themselves! Dry dock forgot to tighten the hydro-mallate struts! So now he was here, wherever here was, standing before a stingy food replicator, in the middle of an unknown galaxy on the other side of the universe, on a ship with no warp capability! What else could go wrong?

"Sir!" yelled the science officer, Mr. Stock.

"Whaddyawant?" mumbled the captain.

"Sensors are detecting a small moon up ahead. We are on a collision course with it!"

"Put it on screen." Upon the Vu-Screen^© appeared an image of a large, round sphere with a strangely metallic-looking surface. Around it were flying several strange, T-shaped fighters. "That's no moon!" said Captain Ben. "Full reverse!"

"Unable!" yelled Ensign Blagh. "We have no warp drives!"

"The probability of our breaking free of the tractor beam is 99,999,999,999.99999 to 1.38," noted Mr. Stock. The Benterprise was stuck like a fly on flypaper; like a band-aid on a sore; like superglue to everything except the broken item. The (grand?) ship was slowly dragged into the spherical space station. Meanwhile, up on the bridge, the crew were talking amongst themselves...

"You know," said science officer Stock, "this reminds me of a movie I saw once. It was really old, made back in the twentieth century."

"What was it about?" asked Lieutenant Purina, the communications officer.

"Oh, just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo about 'the force'— or was it, 'the schwartz?' Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway." Lieutenant Commander Sununu interrupted:

"Where did the captain go?" he asked.

"Oh, he's up on the primary hull again. I don't know why he always goes up there, but he seems to have started a fad," said Mr. Stock.

"Yes," said Purina. "All the captains are doing it now."

Deep within the corridors of that powerful battlestation, the Mothball, Dark Blender was planning his attack on that band of rebels, the Ravioli Force. His second in command, Premier Bumblin, was pointing out strategic moves. All of a sudden, alert klaxons sounded everywhere, as the Ravioli Force attacked the Mothball with Z-Wing^TM brand fighters and Arr-Too units. They managed to get a protein torpedo down a shaft to the reactor core, starting a chain reaction which would eventually destroy the station. In the confusion, the Benterprise escaped, and flew away from the scene.

They had been traveling for quite some time when they came upon a very strange-looking ship. It was huge; the size of a dreadnought, and it was turning to face them. It looked like it wanted a battle.

"Arm the photons!" shouted Ben.

"Can't." stated Ensign Chicken.

"Why not?" Avery screamed. Mr. Stock explained.

"Our photons require warp energy to arm, and as we have no warp engines, we cannot arm our photons." Suddenly, a voice interrupted on the intercom. It was Doctor McDonalds.

"Hey, Benny-boy, it's gettin' kinda lonely down here! Why not come down for some food, folks and fun? And bring Mr. Stock too, he's—

"NOT NOW, DOCTOR!" screamed Avery, and then he cut the intercom link. "Charge the phasers!" he yelled. If this ship was as powerful as it looked, they were in big trouble.

The next thing Ben knew, Doctor McDonalds was up on the bridge, arguing face to face. Meanwhile, Ensign Chicken went over to the communications station to make a pass at Purina.

"How 'bout a big, fat, juicy Big Mac, Mr. Stock?" queried McDonalds. Stock had a startled look on his face.

Extremely busy "sucking face" with Ensign Chicken, Lieutenant Purina moved her elbow and accidentally opened the hailing frequencies. No one noticed.

"What's the matter, Stock? Afraid of a little cholesterol in your veins?"

"Consuming large portions of saturated fat holds no logic for me," replied the science officer.

"Avery..." McDonalds said. "How 'bout a teensy-weensy triple bypass open heart surgery operation? Hmmm?"

"McDonalds... LEAVE!" commanded Avery.

"Boy, you guys are total party poopers. No fun at all," complained McDonalds.

"We do not trust your surgical idiosyncrasies," stated Mr. Stock.

"Whaddyamean you don't trust a guy with red hair who wears makeup and plays Songs of Sousa during a kidney transplant? What's so wrong with that?"

"Get him off my bridge!" snarled Avery. Meanwhile...

"Oh, Ensign Chicken, your eyes are so brown, your arms so muscular," said Purina.

"I feel the same way about you, Nyoda," replied Chicken. Purina gave him a weird look. He looked away, and noticed the Vu-Screen^©. "AAAUGH!" he yelled. "What's the Vu-Screen^© doing on? Quick, flip the switch off!" The alien face that was on the screen vanished.

"How did that happen?" asked Sununu, who was just coming on duty. Everyone was talking at the same time; the bridge was in chaos. Unfortunately, no one saw the four photon torpedoes and a gooey substance heading straight for them.

Therefore, they were very surprised when the blast of a photon explosion shook the bridge, and when they were suddenly blinded to the outer world by a thick green substance clinging to the outer hull. The gravity generators went off line, and the bridge crew went flying in multiple directions. Captain Avery was ticked off.

"We didn't even provoke them! That funny-lookin' dude just fired at us for no good reason!" He was perturbed.

"Captain, are you sure you don't even want a large fry?" said the intercom.

"NOT NOW DOCTOR MCDONALDS!" yelled Avery. "Ensign Chicken, get back to your post! You too, Purina!" The two disconnected and scurried back to their stations. "Ensign, fire the phasers to blast through that stuff! And make sure you rearm some for that funny-shaped guy!"

It took them longer than expected to rearm and break through the goo. It was extremely sticky and difficult to remove. By the time they broke through they had used all of their phasers in the job.

"Rearm phasers," said Avery.

"We can only arm four. We don’t have enough power to arm any more."

"FIRE!" Avery screamed. Four beams of blue light arced out from the Benterprise. Three of them struck their target. Avery’s "victory" was short lived; however, as the alien launched his counterattack. Four photon torpedoes and phasers pummeled the poor ship, and more gooey stuff, this time red, landed on the ship, obscuring the sensors. The Benterprise was badly damaged, and Ben was really mad. Unfortunately, the Benterprise’s own phasers had scored little damage on the alien ship.

Time passed... Mr. Stock was working on a way to get the double layers of goo off the ship, but so far, his efforts had proven fruitless. Doctor McDonalds entered the bridge with a package of cookies in his hand. He was about to make a comment, when the Benterprise began receiving an audio signal from the alien ship.

Fzzzz... Crackle! Snap! Fzzzz... "...little snack! Send me up some Ho-Hos, okay?"

"Sorry sir, we don't have any. The previous owners took them all when they left. The Ho-Ho compartments are empty."

"WHAT? NO HO-HOS? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?" Upon hearing this, Captain Avery smiled. Now he had a bargaining chip.

"Lieutenant Purina, open hailing frequencies with the enemy ship. Tell them I want to speak with their captain about an important matter."

"Yes, sir, complying." A moment later, they heard more activity over the audio link.

"Sir, the other ship is hailing us! Their captain wishes to speak to you!"

"I don't wanna talk to anyone! I WANT HO-HOS!" As soon as he heard this, Ben knew what he had to do.

"Purina, open a visual with them as well." Purina did so. "I'm in a very sticky situation," he began. Suddenly Doctor McDonalds interrupted.

"Literally!" he exclaimed, referring to the goo.

"Please remain quiet, Doctor," ordered Mr. Stock.

"So I will be brief," Ben continued. "You have us right where you want us. However, I believe I may have something you want. I overheard your little problem with snack food, and I just happen to have a large stock of Ho-Hos on board. I'd be willing to give them to you , in exchange for a few items." Ben knew it would be a sacrifice to both him and the crew, but if it would save their lives... suddenly, Ben's thoughts were interrupted.

"Why not send them some McDonaldland cookies instead?"

"Keep him quiet, Mr. Stock!" yelled Captain Ben.

"Yes, sir." Mr. Stock then used an ancient Vulgar means of persuasion, and Doctor McDonalds fell to the floor.

"What items did you have in mind?" asked the funny-shaped alien.

"Well, let's see... we want you to remove this... goo from our hull, and we'd also include some Twinkies if you have us one of your warp engines." The alien was drooling now...

"Anything! Anything! I must have Ho-Hos!" The funny-shaped alien was ready to deal. But all of a sudden, a stranger alien appeared.

"You will not trade in our warp drives that we so dearly paid two quatloos for, for some stupid breakfast food! Furthermore, you are now relieved of command, Ensign Kaa’Noost!" The alien ship then cut transmission.

"Who was that guy?" asked Purina.

"I don't know," said Ben, "but he just stole our Ho-Ho and milk deal!"

"Sir!" cried Ensign Chicken, "The ship! It just vanished!"

"Why didn't you tell me the thing had a cloaking device?"

"Well, sir—

"Shut up!"

Time passed. Avery was about to order them to leave when suddenly, the alien ship reappeared.

"Captain," began Lieutenant Purina.

"Whaddyawant?" grumbled Avery.

"They are hailing us again. It seems the original commander has reestablished himself. He says he will tow us to a base and pay for new engines if we give him the Ho-Hos and milk."

"Tell him we accept his offer." The aliens tractored the Benterprise, and set course for the nearest starbase. However, approximately halfway through the trip, the tractor was suddenly dropped, and the ship warped out of sight. "What'll we do now?" screamed Avery.

"This is illogical," stated Mr. Stock.

"At least we’re together," said Chicken.

"I told you!" yelled McDonalds. "I told you we should have given them McDonaldland cookies instead of Ho-Hos!" Ben stared helplessly at the Vu-Screen^©.

"There goes our chance to get back to the Federation," he thought. Fortunately, he was wrong. They had been traveling for several days after the aliens had left, and things were getting back to normal— for the Benterprise. Doctor McDonalds called up every ten minutes, asking for orders. All the regular bridge crew were in their positions. Suddenly, Mr. Stock spoke up.

"Captain, there are two oblong objects coming at us, low impulse speed. They should be in visual range about now." Mr. Stock flicked on the visual.

"Why, it's our engines!" exclaimed the captain. "Quick, prepare to tractor them as they pass by."

"Hmmm. They appear to have been damaged," said Mr. Stock.

"I hope we can repair them," said Ben. "They're our only chance to get home before we're old and grey."

It was a week later. The engines had been fixed and put back on their struts by chief engineer Vrum Turbo and his staff. The hydro-mallate struts had been tightened extra tight, so there was no chance of them coming off if they ever used the transwarp drive again. Now the only remaining problem was to find some new dilithium crystals. The old ones had been burned out, and they had no spares. Therefore, the ship had to continue on impulse power as if they had never found the engines. Meanwhile, Vrum Turbo had the mammoth task of finding out what all was damaged on the drives. They were a wreck when first discovered, and there was no telling what would happen if they were engaged. Meanwhile, Captain Avery was up on the primary again.

"How does he survive up there without any oxygen?" queried Sununu.

"Maybe with a Big Mac, large fries, and a Coke, he gets along," theorized Ron McDonalds.

"But what exactly does he do up there?" asked Purina.

"He just sits and thinks, and sometimes he just sits," answered Lieutenant Commander Finley.

Meanwhile, up on the hull, Ben was singing something about the "Slithery-dee that came out of the sea."

Captain Avery was lucky there was no sound in space. Otherwise, the nearby hostile alien would have heard him and wiped him off the face of the universe. Fortunately, Avery got out of the system in time before the "hostile alien" became angry. After many hours, the Benterprise approached an asteroid belt. Little did they know what lurked within...

DILITHIUM CRYSTALS! They were saved! Captain Avery came jubilantly on the bridge.

"We can get those crystals, put 'em in our engines, and get ourselves home!" Ben exclaimed. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Commander Sununu was showing off his ability to input data without looking, and he accidentally activated the saucer separation sequence. With no one at auxiliary control, and the dilithium crystals in place, the stardrive section sped off at transwarp speeds towards the Milky Way galaxy. Captain Avery was under impulse power once again. And that absent-minded Andorkian, Vrum Turbo, didn't even realize that the primary hull was gone. Captain Ben was once again stranded. Or was he?

No! The alien they had encountered before had followed them! Ben scurried back inside the ship when he saw it coming. The gigantic creature grabbed the ship, and then a very strange thing happened. The creature reached out and pulled back the fabric of space, revealing a checkered pattern behind it. When the hole was large enough, the alien stepped inside, pulling what was left of the Benterprise in with it. Once inside, the whole sealed up with a loud shoop, trapping them inside. Everything here was checkers!

"We seem to have entered another dimensional plane or universe," said Mr. Stock.

"I wonder if they like Big Macs here?" said Doctor McDonalds, who had snuck back onto the bridge. Meanwhile, the alien had brought them through a checkered door, and inside were more checkered walls! And there was another large green being, but this one had tall, curly hair. The being who was holding them spoke:

"Hey mom! Look what I found! Can I keep it?"

"Bert, how many times do I have to tell you?" said the curly-haired being. "You may not keep anything from the third dimension! Take it back immediately!" Reluctantly, Bert took them back into the checkered hallway.

"Aw, shucks. I wish I could keep you. Oh, well..." Bert peeled back another corner, and put them back in their own dimension. The gap closed once again behind them.

"So, where are we now?" asked Ben. "Back where we started?"

"No, captain," said Kinkaid. "Sensors indicate we’re back in our own galaxy!" The crew was jubilant! Unfortunately, their joy was replaced by the image that appeared on the Vu-Screen^©.

"Captain..." said Mr. Stock.

"What?"

"Either we have been significantly reduced in size, or the Clingons have built one enormous F5!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUGH!" Mr. Stock hyperventilated. Lieutenant Commander Sununu fainted. Lieutenant Purina and Ensign Chicken were one again "sucking face," and they did not realize the magnitude of the situation, or the F5. Captain Avery was chewing nervously on a Ho-Ho. During all the commotion, the turbolift opened, and Ensign Blagh entered the bridge, reporting for duty as navigator. His hair was a mess, and he was covered from head to toe in brown and white muck.

"What happened to you? How dare you come onto my bridge looking like that?" demanded the captain.

"Well, sir, I was in the turbolift, when all of a sudden, the stardrive section separated. I was lucky to escape with my life!" explained Blagh.

"What is that stuff all over you?"

"Well, sir, it's kind of difficult to carry your order of a year's supply of Ho-Hos while being chased by one thousand Orion women."

"WHAT? Explain this, ensign!" ordered Ben. "And why wasn't I included in this little escapade?"

"Well, uh, um, it was, well, you see, um..."

"COUGH IT UP, MISTER!"

"HACKHACKHACKHACKHACK!"

"Okay! Okay! Don't get literal on me. I get enough of that from Mr. Stock!"

"Well, captain, I admit that all that stuff about Orion women was just an excuse. But those Ho-Hos went flyin' everywhere when the artificial gravity went out on the lower decks."

"MY HO-HOS! YOU IDIOT! YOU LOST MY HO-HOS!" Captain Avery reached for Ensign Blagh’s neck, just as two giant disruptor beams pounded into their tiny shields.

Mr. Stock, finally catching his breath, said, "One more strike will dissipate our shields and covertly reveal us externally exposed and in the optimum coordinates for the inevitable disintegration of matter via Clingon disruptors!"

"What did he say?" asked Sununu.

"He said, 'One more boom-boom and we be goners'," stated Purina. "I'm versed in the idiomatics of the Vulgar language."

"Oh." The F5, meanwhile, had swung around for another shot.

"Sir! Their disruptors and phasers are locking onto us!" cried Chicken.

"AAAAAUUGH!" Everyone cried out as two more disruptors pounded through the shields and phasers ripped into the hull of the tiny Benterprise. Ben called Mr. Stock.

"Mr. Stock! What is our condtion?"

"We've taken too much damage, sir. We're gonna blow!" Ben took this information remarkably well:

"WE'REGONNAEXPLODE! AAAUUGH, WE'REALLGONNADIE! OHNO,OHSHOOT,INEVERHADMYLASTHO-HO! OHNO,OHHELP,SOMEBODY! IDON'TWANNADIE! I'VEFALLENANDICAN’TGETUP! WE'REGONNAEXPLODE! AAAAAAUUGH!" As Captain Avery continued his hysterics, his twisted, writhing body was caught in the flicker of a transporter beam. The glitter effect died away, and Ben found himself looking into the hideous face of...

Meanwhile, at the Lamulan neutral zone...

"Sir, Captain Avery and the bridge crew are not responding to our messages," said Ensign Fweep. Vrum Turbo's curiosity was piqued.

"Fweep! Take Hym and Hergh up to the bridge to check the communications circuits," ordered Vrum.

"Who and Whom?" asked Fweep.

"No, Hym and Hergh."

"Who and What? Who are you talking about? Which him and her?"

"No, just Hym and Hergh!"

"Huh?"

"Dorck! Take Ensigns Hym and Hergh and go up to check the communications circuits!"

"Now, chief, just because you are upset with me (and for no apparent reason) doesn't mean you have the right to go around calling other ensigns 'dorks'!" said Lieutenant Fweep.

"Huh?"

"Yes, sir?" said Ensign Hungh.

"AAAAAAGH! GET GOING NOW, ENSIGN DORCK!" screamed Turbo. Ensigns Dorck, Hym, Hergh, and Lieutenant Fweep all scrambled into the turbolift. Good thing the turbolift was airtight enough to survive in space! As the runaway turbolift shot away from the Benterprise, a Lamulan war eagle emerged from the neutral zone, uncloaked, and attacked them. The weapons control officer ordered phasers fired at the torpedo, and photons launched at the Lamulan. Though the photons destroyed the Lamulan, the phasers weren’t enough, and the plasma energy sliced into poor Benterprise, causing significant damage. As the Benterprise rocked from the blast of the torpedo, several more Lamulan ships uncloaked, angered at the destruction of their comrade. The outnumbered Benterprise fought valiantly, but the situation was hopeless. Finally, with one massive onslaught, the Benterprise was destroyed, and all hands lost, with the exceptions of Lieutenant Fweep and Ensigns Hym, Hergh, and Dorck.

EPILOGUE

Several months after the destruction of the Benterprise, Ron McDonalds and Ben Avery reached a Federation outpost. McDonalds was immediately transferred to the USS Cool Guy , which was in need of a doctor. Avery remained at the outpost for several months to undergo physical and mental rehabilitation. He was eventually given command of the USS Benterprise, NCC 1706-A.

The rest of the bridge crew escaped in the three remaining shuttles, and were also picked up eventually by the USS Gotchafirst. Commander Stock and Lieutenant Purina decided to retire from Lamefleet. Lieutenant Commander K.K. Finley was promoted to captain and given command of the Cool Guy when her captain died from cholesterol buildup in his heart. Sununu and Chicken were transferred to the new Benterprise.

Lieutenant Fweep and Ensigns Hym, Hergh, and Dorck have yet to be located. If you have seen them, or know of their whereabouts, please call us now at 1-800-299-LAME. Thank you.

The End

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