The Master of Time

By John Kanost

I was sitting in church, bored out of my mind, when I first discovered what I could do.

The preacher had been droning on and on for nearly an hour. I started out trying to pay attention, I swear. I even took notes! But his sermon was meandering, seemingly with no coherence, no structure… try as I might, I just couldn't follow it! At some point—I don't remember exactly when—I realized he was just repeating the same things over and over and over and over. I gave up on the notes, and my mind began inevitably to wander.

Not for the first time. As a kid who grew up in a God-fearing, church-going family, I'd spent almost every Sunday of my life sitting in a pew. How many times had I despairingly endured a 50-minute message I had no hope of understanding that seemed to last for hours? How often, at other times, had I looked up from my notebook full of doodles and wondered how the same 50 minutes could have flown by so fast?

But this was the moment I finally realized that I was in control. Somehow, my perception of time was actually altering the rate of its flow!

Sounds crazy, I know. Maybe it is crazy. I mean, maybe I'm crazy. But it's true, I tell you. With a flash of clarity, a lightning bolt of inspiration, I just knew that time no longer had any power over me. Instead, I was the master; time itself mine to command.

But using my newfound power required a certain mental relaxation. Not concentration, as you might expect. Well, no. That's not it, exactly. With experimentation, I finally figured it out. By relaxing, or sort of “loosening” my mind, I could speed up the flow of time; make it pass by more quickly. Conversely, by concentrating intently, or “clenching” my mental processes, I could make the temporal flow slow to a near-crawl!

Next, I discovered the catch. No matter how hard I tried, I could not accomplish these amazing things just by wanting to do them. I needed a mental aid to assist me in the process; to help me attain the right frame of mind.

You see, to make time pass by more quickly, one must be able to ignore it. You have to find a way to literally become unaware of time's passing. When this realization finally dawned on me, I knew exactly what I had to do.

I started writing this load of crap.

Return to: Top of Page | Home Page » The Library