By John Kanost & Gordon Scott

A brief word of explanation: We thought it might be interesting for you to see exactly who had written the different parts of this story. To that end, I've used a color key to indicate every time the author changes. The blue text was all written by John, and when Gordon takes over the story, the text color changes to green. If you would prefer to read the story without this special formatting, you can do so here.

Once upon a time, there was a young wench peasant page named Gordran. He worked in a castle, and every day, he saw the knights going to and fro about the castle going out to perform heroic deeds. Gordran was a lower-class wench peasant page, and he had to scrub floors and wash windows. He wished he could become a knight, and lead an exciting life. Then, one day... a miracle occurred!

Sir Sluffitoff was under a tree and an apple hit him over the head. When he came to, the knight suffered total amnesia! The king was unable to keep Sir Sluffitoff in his service, so he was dismissed.

Taking this chance to upgrade himself, Gordran vehemently strode to the registering table to join the ranks of the knighted. However, the old princess' nursemaid who was registrar of the evening exclaimed, "Foolish page! Before you may become a knight, you must be apprenticed to a true knight. I would suggest you leave me before I become angry and strike thee, o thou most foolish page!"

Well, needless to say, Gordran was very disappointed. He was determined though, so he went around the castle, asking all the knights if he might become their apprentice. Finally, he came to Sir Bopemonthenoggin, who gladly accepted the page as his apprentice. Gordran was overjoyed. Unfortunately, the first task Sir Bopemonthenoggin assigned Gordran was to scrub the floor and wash the windows in his quarters. Gordon sat down and began the task...

Ever so slowly Gordran crept up the ladder to knighthood. He started out as cleansing manager, associate and servant to the esteemed Sir Bopemonthenoggin. He then slowly was assigned to more important jobs: Stable Manager; Castle Trash Emptying Boy; Royal Keeper of the Royal Pooper Scooper; Veterinarian of Her Majesty's Royal Poodle, Pricilla, and other such esteemed jobs. Then, the day he had dreamed of for so long arrived...

Gordran was finally put in charge of washing the king's royal convertible. Gordran was overjoyed, for if he did well on this, he would be granted knighthood by the king! Sir Bopemonthenoggin wished Gordran luck, saying, "I've trained you well, for I knew this day would come. Now remember, the king likes the windows spotless, and there shall not be any mud on the wheels. And make absolutely sure you vacuum the inside. Now take this hose and bucket, and kick some-- I mean, wash that car!"

Gordran went off cheerfully, hoping he would do well. He wondered, "What happens if you did a bad job?" Well, he would do his best. Gordran washed all day, and into the night. The next morning, the king himself came to inspect it. Gordran stood by, barely containing his excitement. The king opened his mouth to speak... and the royal trumpet squad sounded in announcement of the opening of the royal mouth.

"Gordran,"

SKWALK, DUM DUM BLAT!

"this"

BLAT!

"car"

BLAT!

"has"

BLAT!

"a"

SKWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
THWAPP!whiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnne......
(the trumpeter will now have to switch to French horn)

The king continued... "The car... it has an ugly, horrendous BLEMISH on it!"

SKWALK!

Both Gordran and the king gave the trumpeter a sharp glare. Then Gordran stared as the king pointed to the wheel well. There it was... a horrible, gargantuan, FINGERPRINT! Gordran's life was ruined!

Fortunately, the king wasn't too hard on him. The king said, "I will only lock you in the dungeon for a year. After a year is up, you may re-begin your knight's training. However, if you do not follow the orders of the prison master, you may be banished from the kingdom."

Gordran just stood, looking as if he could kill someone. The king walked off, mumbling, "IMAGINE! A measly apprentice's fingerprint on the royal convertible!" Gordran was sure he had gotten the car spotless. He had inspected it 54 times! Someone was out to do him in!

Gordran went to live in the dungeon like the king decreed. A year later he was let out, and Gordran began to search for the one who had framed him. Unfortunately, he was out of a job, and had no money. However, a knight by the name of Sir Soopson came and said, "The king told me you were to begin your knight's training with me. I heard about you... and I believe you were betrayed."

"So do I!" exclaimed Gordran.

Sir Soopson took Gordran into his training. Gordran began at the bottom of the rung again, redoing all the menial tasks he had done before. He was quickly rising toward knighthood again. Then, one day, Sir Soopson took Gordran aside.

"Gordran, you have done well, and the time of the car wash is coming soon. I still believe that you were betrayed. Before you wash the convertible again, we must search out the one who seeks to ruin you. I believe I have a clue..."

"...I saw someone sneak around the royal convertible that night. However, I have no idea who it was," said Sir Soopson. "He was doing something by the convertible when nature called you. I thought it was car guard duty, but I could be wrong. I think the suspect you are looking for is Sir Lyfesthipitts."

So Gordran went to seek his suspect in hopes that he could exonerate himself. Gordran found Sir Lyfesthipitts on the jousting range, practicing.

"Sir Lyfesthipitts!", called Gordran.

"Yeah, what?", asked the knight.

"Are you the one who fingerprinted the royal convertible that night while I was visiting the porcelain goddess?"

Suddenly, Sir L. became very angry. He turned around, pointed his spear at Gordran, and charged...

ALL OF A SUDDEN, Sir Lyfesthipitts stopped and put up his visor. "April Fools!" he shouted. Gordran, relieved that he didn't become page shish kabob, restated his question. It was at that time when Sir Soopson came up.

Sir Soopson stated, "I'm afraid I made a mistake. The person I saw was very obese, and... well, Sir, you are awfully thin! He is not your man, Gordran. However... the day of your car washing is drawing near. This time, you must keep a close watch. I will stay nearby, and watch for your saboteur. However, no matter what, you should never leave the car this time. Now, I suggest you practice on my jalopy."

Gordran went off to do his tasks...

Today was the day! The day of the royal car washing! Gordran worked hard on through the day, on through the night, making sure the car was spotless. He went over the car with a magnifying glass, looking for every little speck of dust. As morning approached, however, Gordran began feeling strong pressure in his lower abdomen. As he worked harder to ignore this, the pressure only grew in strength. Finally, refusing to give in, Gordran saw a wet spot appearing on his robe. Hopefully the king would see it. In a few minutes the king arrived, and began to inspect the car. It seemed to take hours. Finally, the king turned around and faced Gordran. He looked at Gordran sternly.

"Congratulations! You've done a superb job!" exclaimed the king with a smile. Then he frowned. "What's on your tunic? Did you spill water on yourself?" asked the king.

"No, sir! You see..." Gordran proceeded to explain.

"Well," said the king, "I'm proud of you, my boy. Not many are able to resist the 'porcelain goddess' when she calls. You've shown great responsibility."

Gordran was in heaven. He was going to become a knight! As he turned around, he saw some people coming. One of them was Sir Soopson, and he was leading... none other than that ex-knight, Sir Sluffitoff. So he was the one who had sabotaged Gordran's attempts. Gordran walked over to demand an explanation.

"Why did you sabotage the King's car and cost me over seven years of additional labor?" queried Gordran. Sluffitoff had only one response.

"REVENGE!" he yelled. "You stole my knighthood from me and rid yourself of any explanation by making me an outcast! I deserve... I demand a redubbing!" The guards had to struggle to hold Sluffitoff back.

"Then how come Sir Soopson identified the saboteur as obese? You are rather lean!"

Sluffitoff had a good tale to tell for that one...

"I was carrying a large tub of oil in my shirt. I intended to pour it on the car, but I heard someone coming, so I left." explained Sluffitoff.

"Well, that's that." said Sir Soopson as they led Sluff away.

"Now," said the king, "it is time for your dubbing!" Gordran was ecstatic. He couldn't wait.

SKWALK, DUM DUM BLAT!

It was time for Gordran's dubbing! The moment he had been waiting for for his entire life! (Well, at least for seven years.) The ceremony started...

Let us bow our heads in a moment of silence to honor Gordran, whose heroic deeds have earned him knighthood! (as opposed to dayhood!)

(STOP STORY HERE)

The moment had arrived! The king laid his sword on Gordran's shoulder and christened him Sir Gordran, for Gordran was his name.

"Now," said the king, "now for your first mission." Gordran awaited the king's command...

"Report to the Royal Stable for the assignment of your horse, and then to the Earl of Sneeze for your station." said the King.

"Thank you, your Majesty." said Gordran, and headed for the stables. Unfortunately for Gordran, Mr. Sluffitoff wasn't the only enemy he had made.

SUDDENLY, someone pounced on Gordran and began beating him over the head with something. Fortunately, Gordran's helmet protected him, and he overcame his assailant. A cackling voice said, "You disobedient young whippersnapper! I didn't give you permission to run away and become a knight!" It was Gordran's mother! What would he do now?

"Get out of that armor right now!" Gordran's mother exclaimed. "You have chores to do back at the house! And don't give me any of your 'lip, either!"

Gordran reluctantly followed his mother back to the house. All his dreams, hopes, and work to become a knight were totally ruined! If only his mother would understand... Gordran sulked in his room for three hours. He was still pouting when Sir Bopemonthenoggin paid a visit.

Bopemonthenoggin had changed a lot since Gordran had seen him last.

"Gordran, I heard you were finally made knight. Why are you here, instead of fulfilling the mission the king gave you? If you don't get moving, he will have you executed!" Gordran realized what this meant, and ran to go, with his armor on.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" screeched Gordran's mother. She came after him with her rolling pin. Gordran chopped it in half.

"OH, YEAH? YER NOT GOIN' ANYWHERE!", screeched Mrs. Gordran.

Gordran quickly silenced her with a bonk on the head, and ran to the stables. When he arrived, he reported directly to the Earl of Sneeze. The Earl was furious.

"Where have you been for the past three hours??!!" the Earl screamed. "You were supposed to report directly here after your dubbing!" Gordran proceeded to explain his dilemma.

"Well, you will have to ride twice as fast on your horse in order to catch up with the rest of the knights for training exercises." said the Earl. "Your horse is in stall number 24."

Gordran proceeded to get his horse and ride off to the training grounds. Once he got there, he joined the other knights in training. Because he was late, and because he was the newest knight, he had to undergo "initiation". This consisted of the slaying of a full-scale dragon! Gordran was ecstatic! His first dragon slaying! This is what makes a boy a MAN! Gordran looked over the hill into the valley of the dragons, looking for a fiendish beast. This is what he saw:

The dragon ROARED! Its foul breath filled Gordran's nostrils. Gordran was petrified! He threw his spear, and it bounced harmlessly off the creature's armor! The dragon flew up in the sky, and then came rushing back towards Gordran with its mouth open wide! Gordran ran helplessly as the dragon bore down on him.

Then, as the dragon caught up with him, it snapped its mouth shut and Gordran was crushed by the dragon's teeth. Gordran cried out as...... he woke up in a cold sweat. What a terrible nightmare! Where was he? He had dreamed of being a page again, and going through training again. And all the knights had weird names! But now, it was all coming back to him. He was a full-fledged knight on a mission for the king: slay the evil dragon Trolg, who was the bane of the kingdom. No wonder he had dreamt of dragons!

Gordran got himself up, dressed in his armor, got on his horse, and continued on the long trek to Trolg's mountain. He had a long way to go...

Gordran traveled on and on, day after day, on his trek towards Trolg's mountain. Finally after many hours searching it came into view. Now was the time for him to fulfill his mission: Destroy the dragon, Trolg! Gordran wished Sir Bopemonthenoggin was here to see this... but then he realized that Sir Bopemonthenoggin, Sir Soopson, and Sir Sluffitoff were all part of his dream. In fact, that strange version of his mother was completely wrong! He must have been dreaming about Trolg.

Gordran climbed up the mountain to the entrance of the cave. As he entered, he smelled the stench of Trolg. It was getting darker as he moved farther into the cavern. He went around many turns and bends. Now it was pitch black, and the stench was getting worse. He must be nearing Trolg's lair!

Finally, he came to it-- it was still pitch black, but he could feel the clink of all the coins and other treasures under foot that Trolg had stolen over the years. But Trolg wasn't here! He must be out on a raid! Gordran knew he had to hide before Trolg came back. But where?

While Gordran was looking for a place to hide, Trolg returned! Gordran dashed behind an oblong object just as dragon-fire illuminated the room. They were in an immense cavern hall, which was filled with gold, jewels and other treasures. Gordran was flabbergasted.

"Imagine the riches stored in this place!" Gordran breathed.

Mistake Number One.

Trolg suddenly turned around, staring into Gordran's general direction. Gordran made a break for it.

Mistake Number Two.

Luckily, he hadn't been seen by Trolg. He jumped behind a pile of coins, and remained still. Trolg began to speak.

"Well, thief! I smell you, feel your air. I hear your footsteps. But what kind of creature are you? I've never smelled you before!"

Luckily for him, Bilbo had his majic ring on. He spoke. "I come from under the hill, and under the hill and over the hill my paths led. I--"

WAIT! HALT! DESIST!

Do we have the right story here?

No!

Gordran was now a captive of Trolg. He had run out directly in the path of the dragon. What would he do now??? His only hope was that maybe he could snuff out that dragon's internal fire. But where could he find some water?

Then, an idea struck him...

...he realized he was going to die. The idea struck him again. He was going to die.

Gordran shook his head. He had better stop this daydreaming! Imagine! A light bulb causing him to die...

"That's IT!" thought Gordran. "I'm going to DYE!"

Gordran ran over to the side of the cave where some yellow crystals were growing. He broke some off, and, using some cave water, pulverized them into a yellow paste. He then covered himself from head to toe in the stuff. He was now blended in with his surroundings! And now for that internal fire problem...

Unfortunately, at that moment, Trolg decided to begin counting his gold. Suddenly, a humongous paw reached down, and Gordran found himself being lifted into the air! A claw began knocking coins off into the pile on the floor (Trolg wasn't too smart).

"Wun... Too... Three... For... Fyve... Sicks... Seyvun... Ate... Nyne... Tayn... Ele--" Suddenly, Trolg found Gordran.

"Haw! Gawtcha!", yelled Trolg. He grabbed Gordran, and stuffed him into a golden cage. Gordran was trapped!

Trolg said, "I'll take care of yew layter, win a'm dun cowntin' ma guld!"

Several days later, Trolg was still counting.

"7,000,000,001, 7,000,000,002, 7,000,000,003..."

His pile hadn't gotten any smaller.

I told you he wasn't too smart.

Gordran was getting hungry. He knew he'd die if he didn't escape soon...

Gordran shook his head again. Man, this daydreaming was beginning to be a problem! As his eyes cleared, he realized that this wasn't a golden cage, but an OLDEN cage! With Gordran's superior strength, he snapped the bars quicker than you could say "cucumber".

Trolg was so busy "counting" his money that he didn't see Gordran retrieving a golden pail and heading for an underground stream...

When he got there, he leaned over to fill the pail, and failed to see the creature sneaking up behind him. SUDDENLY, Gordran heard a footfall. He turned around. It was the lightbulb!

"You're gonna die!" it said, and shoved him in the underground river. Gordran was swept away by the current...

Gordran woke up. It was pitch black. Where was he?

Gordran felt around for something, anything. All he could feel was the smooth cavern walls damp with moisture from the river. He crawled along for a short distance, searching for some way out of this dark hole.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, Gordran laid his hand on a small circular object.

"A ring!" Gordran exclaimed. "This would make a good souvenir to show the neighbors back home... if I ever do get back home..." Gordran put the ring in his pocket.

(Does this story sound vaguely familiar?)

He went along down the tunnel, bumping his head repeatedly against the low ceiling. He began wishing for his own home, and of frying bacon and eggs in his old kitchen. Funny, he couldn't quite remember what it looked like. SUDDENLY, he heard a noise in the dark.

"Ssss, what is it, my precioussss?"

"Who's there?" said Gordran.

"It looks tasssty, it isss, it doesss!"

Gordran was getting nervous.

"Why don't we just sitss and talks a bitsssy, ssshall we... Iss it crunchy, my preciousss? Iss it niccce and plump? (Gollum, Gollum)"

Gordran struck his heel against a stone as he attempted to buck away from the creature. As a result, he fell, and the ring went tumbling into the darkness. Just as that happened, Gordran heard a scream, and then the sound of something falling. As the creature turned away towards the sound, Gordran made his escape.

HE RAN FOR IT!

"Gordran, Gordran! We hatesss it! We hatesss it for ever! AUUUGH! (Gollum, Gollum)"

Gordran ran out into a flood of sunshine. He was outside! The moment of jubilation passed as Gordran realized he hadn't slain Trolg yet!

And then he realized, "Why should I slay Trolg? After all, it's only a dream."

Gordon Scott woke up.

"Golly, I need to get a break. I've been reading too much of The Hobbit lately."

Gordon looked up at his clock. It said 6:01. "Oh, it's time to get ready for school..."

Gordon got dressed in a jiffy and then went to school. He then sat down in the hallway and waited for his good friend John to arrive. At 7:45, Korbet came walking in, looking a bit down. "How was your date last night?" queried Gordon.

Korbet responded with a growl.

At 7:50, Ben came walking in, muttering something about a "bag of Mexicans".

Finally, at 7:55, John came waltzing in with his usual stride.

"Did you get any stories done, John?" asked Gordon.

"Well, um, er, that is..."

Gordon went into an uncontrolled frenzy. (Needless to say, John fared a bit worse than Gordon did.)

AH, BUT, Korbet and Ben carried John home to recover. Meanwhile, Gordon remained at school, and was unfortunately still there when Benbo^TM rampaged through the school with a machine gun.

The End

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