Adventures in Space
The No-Motion Picture

Ben Avery, John Kanost & Gordon Scott

Koolaid slowly revived. He cautiously looked up, and saw that Kobill was looking the other way. This was his chance to get away! Koolaid stumbled to his feet, and dashed toward the turbolift. But it was too late, for Kobill whipped around and shot him again. Koolaid slumped to the deck, right next to the self-destruct control panel.

Captain Avery, from six years in the future, ordered that his crew put on the uniforms from six years in the future, so that the readers would no longer be confused. Then he looked at the Vu-Screen^© and saw that he had accidently put his dirty underwear in the laundry disguise. "Oops," he thought, "good thing nobody knows it's mine."

"Captain," Ron said, accidentally hitting and turning on the ship's intercom, "Isn't that your underwear on the Vu-Screen^©?" All over the ship, crew members turned on their own personal Vu-Screens^©.

"McDonalds! Get off my bridge!" Avery ordered. After calming down, he said, "Down periscope." Looking into it, he saw the other Benterprise, and himself and Carol out on the primary hull. Carol was the only one he had ever let come out on the saucer with him... he only had one hour to... he didn't want to think about it. But, he had to. How could he stop the marriage? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How?

The plasma torpedo meant for Benterprise missed, and dove toward the infant sun...

How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How?

Koolaid stirred to get up. Kobill shot him.

Then, suddenly, Avery had it! "Ron, get up here!"

"Why, do you want a personal-sized pizza? Or maybe a double bacon cheese burger?"

"Close. Get up here, now!" Then Ben thought for a minute. "Wait. Maybe I'll come down there."

Millions of Burger Klingons were dying. Saladrama, a distant relative of Whopperama, stood among his dying people. He was a scientist, and the only vegetarian on Homeofthewhopper. He was in charge of salad production. He had discovered the poisoning of the meat supply, and he knew who had done it. The poison had no known antidote, and filled with rage, Saladrama decided to avenge his people by killing Pennyunwise McClown.

Koolaid couldn't move, or get up. Kobill shot Koolaid.

Avery and Dolong sat in Ron's medical office. "Ron, can you surgically alter us to look like Burger Klingons?" Ron thought a moment.

"You, I can. Dolong, no. But I can make him look like a Burger Klingon dog." Ben nodded his consent.

"Make it so." Ron gave them both a sedative, and ten minutes later...

"No! No! No! Don't shoot me!" ZAAAP!

As the delegation of Burger Klingons beamed over to the Benterprise, the Burger King noticed the addition to his group.

"Who are you?" Whopperama screamed.

"My name is Benerama."

"YOU DEFY ME!"

"I only obey you."

"Oh, okay!" Whopperama put his arm around Ben's shoulder. "Wanna be my best friend? I whopped all my others."

"Sure."

CAPTAIN’S PERSONAL LOG: Everything is being taken care of. As Benerama, I have been able to watch my former self every second, to prevent my marriage to Carol. Whopperama is now my best friend, but after his people died, he and his cousin Saladrama left in a Whopper Warper headed for a new life and food buyers. I hope Saladrama makes it okay. Me and Dolong are getting ready to stop myself and Mucus.

"I now pronounce you--

"STOP THE WEDDING!" A blinding flash, and Ben and Dolong disappeared into a strange dimension.

"Order the rest of the fleet to follow us," the Lamulan commander Captain R'Dorko said. "I wish we could follow that plasma torpedo."

"Yes, sir, follow the plasma torpedo, sir," said the hard-of-hearing helmsman.

"Captain R'Dorko orders the fleet to follow," the communications officer was saying.

"Sir, the Lamulan fleet is flying toward McSun!"

"Follow them!"

Meanwhile, in a strange dimension:

"Gland?" said Ben.

Ben and Dolong suddenly found themselves in the chapel again.

"What did you say?" yelled the other Ben. "Stop the wedding?"

"Never mind! C'mon Dolong." The two officers ran to Avery's old quarters. Once there, Ben and Dolong searched desperately for some clue to the mistake. They looked everywhere, in drawers; under the bed; in the closet; even in the sonic shower. Finally, just as Ben was about to give up...

"I found it!" he yelled, holding up a piece of paper. Ben had found the mistake he had made as a young hotshot captain. "Two plus two equals three? That's not right! I can't believe I was so dumb!" He fixed the mistake, and then had the other Benterprise beam them back.

It was fortunate for the Lamulans that their fleet hadn't received heavy shield damage during the battle, because they flew right through the center of the infant McSun. It was also fortunate that it did not have sufficient temperature to incinerate them as of yet. To its credit, it did wreak havoc on their propulsion systems, rendering them inoperable. The Lamulan fleet drifted off into space, doomed to live out their lives four billion years in the past.

Ben and Dolong entered sickbay, ready to undergo the reverse plastic surgery which would restore them to their normal selves. They had no need to maintain the charade, as the only two Burger Klingons left were Whopperama and Saladrama, and they had long since blasted off in their Whopperwarper. Doctor McDonalds sedated them both and went to work.

Koolaid looked up, warily. Kobill was busy talking to a yeoman. Now was the time to make a break for it! Koolaid ran as fast as he could and made a flying leap for the turbolift, pushing the self-destruct button as he did so to distract Kobill. Kobill whirled around, and after removing his knife from the yeoman's stomach, he whisked out his disruptor and fired.

Click. Click, click, click, click. The disruptor was completely drained of energy. Koolaid escaped.

"AUTO-DESTRUCT INITIATED: ONE MINUTE, FIFTY-NINE SECONDS AND COUNTING..."

Captain Avery came out of stasis very groggy. "Is it over?" he asked.

"Yep!" replied McDonalds. "You look better than ever!" Just then, Slavel Chicken came in for his monthly checkup.

"Hey, Doc, I'm here for my--

Chicken broke off in mid-sentence and keeled over laughing when he saw his captain.

"What is it? Whatsamatter?" Ben demanded. He went over to the mirror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Doctor McDonalds had surgically altered Ben and Dolong to look like McPeople!

"I must admit, it turned out much better than I thought it would!" said McDonalds.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"

Commander Jefferson ordered the fleet to the nearby system of Gamma Bootis. Hopefully, a newly born star there, Gamma Bootie, would have enough mass to generate the gravity required for a slingshot effect. As the fleet neared the star, all the ships lined up in formation, to ensure that they would all end up in the same time. Jefferson gave the order, and they shot towards the star.

"28 SECONDS... 29... " Koolaid arrived in shuttlebay two, leapt into a shuttle, and made good his escape. He set the shuttle on course for Gamma Bootie, a nearby yellow star, hoping to slingshot back to his own time twenty years in the future.

Meanwhile, Kobill was speeding in hot pursuit toward the shuttlebay. "15... 14... 13... " droned the computer. Kobill was in a rage. Without Koolaid, the self-destruct sequence could not be deactivated, since it required his vocal command code. "9... 8... 7..."

"Hurry up, you stupid turbolift!" screamed Kobill. Finally it arrived and Kobill leaped inside.

"3... 2... 1... " Fortunately for Kobill, the turbolift was awfully sturdy.

Captain Ben T. Avery sat on his bed, in his quarters, with his head between his knees.

"Why? Why, Carol, why?" sobbed Ben. Carol, his beloved Carol had left him. And only two hours after their wedding. And oh, what a wedding it had been. Sobbing and clutching his head, Ben stumbled over to the dresser. His eyes fell across a piece of paper. He picked it up, and read:

"Two plus two equals four! Of course!" cried Ben. "How could I have been so stupid? Someone fixed my mistake for me! Oh, this just makes my day! I feel better already!" Ben did not notice when Carol's picture fell face down on the floor. He just laid down on the bed with a contented smile on his face. As he drifted off into a deep sleep, he thought, "I need something new; a new love in my life. Tomorrow, I'll start taking tuba lessons."

Dr. Carol Mucus, in charge of the Leviticus Experiment, looked at the Vu-Screen^© on board the USS Repugnant. "Yes," she thought, "this is definitely a good-- no, a perfect place to test the Leviticus Torpedo on." Gamma Bootie IV was an excellent choice.

Suddenly, the entire Lamefleet fleet appeared out of nowhere next to Gamma Bootie. They had made it home!

"Commander Jefferson, there's another ship out there, orbiting the fourth planet. Sir, it's the Repugnant! She's one of ours!"

"Say, that's the science vessel they're testing the Leviticus Torpedoe from! Let's watch!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Ron, you're gonna pay for thi--

Suddenly, Ben, Ron, Chicken, and everybody else, including the Nova-Scotia and her crew, faded out of existence...

...and faded back into existence six years later, next to the rest of the fleet in the Gamma Bootie system.

"--is! You're gonna pay! I'm gonna make you pay!" screamed Ben. Suddenly, he realized that Ron was no longer there. And he realized that he was back on the bridge of the Benterprise-A. And then he remembered why he had been yelling at Ron, and why his bridge crew was having an uncontrollable coughing fit. Mr. Spot walked over to him.

"Sir, you seem to have had a rather... fascinating... experience. Perhaps you could relate it to me later," said Spot.

"Never mind how I look! Purina-- I mean, Allura, get me the Cool Guy now! I want to talk to McDonalds!

Koolaid and his shuttle came out of orbit twenty years later. Unfortunately, the shuttle hadn't been designed for such a rough trip, and it was out of control. Koolaid looked at the screen and growled. He was on a collision course with one of the Federation starships.

On the Repugnant, Doctor Mucus gave the order to launch the Leviticus Torpedo.

Ron McDonalds flashed into existence in sickbay on the Cool Guy. When he realized where he was, he was both disappointed, and excited to be back. Ron decided to grab a McLean Deluxe, and go down to the observation deck to relax and let his friends know he was back.

Meanwhile, up on the bridge of the Cool Guy, Lieutenant Subliminal responded to Allura's hail.

"Hello (goodbye), you have reached the USS Cool Guy (garbagehauler). May I help you?"

"Yes, Captain Avery would like to speak to Dr. McDonalds."

"I'll get him (h e ' s p r o b a b l y i n t h e o b s e r v a t i o n l o u n g e e a t i n g a M c L e a n D e l u x e)."

In the observation lounge, Ron sat, staring out at the stars, pondering over the past few weeks. Suddenly, a Clingon shuttle crashed through the window, destroying the entire lounge!

"What's going on?" yelled Ben. "Why can't I talk to Ron?"

"Sir," said Allura, sounding shocked, "They've had a terrible accident! A Clingon shuttle just crashed into their observation lounge, killing everyone in it, including Doctor McDonalds! All that's left of him is his nose, sir! They're holding the Clingon in their brig, sir."

"N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O OO O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O !"

Captain Finley picked up the nose, the only thing left of his doctor. "Avery will want this." A clowny voice yelled "HAMBURGER!" Finley felt weird.

CAPTAIN'S EPILOGUE: STARDATE: THE NEXT DAY: We are now back to normal. The lame fleet has returned to Lamefleet space, and we should be up to full strength in a month or twenty. Carol Mucus, my ex-wife, now returns to my thoughts, as we go to the Leviticus Planet for McDonalds' funeral. We have returned to the present, after solving the mistake I made when I was a young hotshot captain. The Lamulans and the Clingons are nowhere to be found. But all of this had a cost-- the life of Ron McDonalds. History has been set straight; the McPeople have settled on Homeofthewhopper and all-- I only wish we hadn't had to pay such a price.

We have transferred the Clingon prisoner to the Benterprise's brig. I will be questioning him before we arrive at the Leviticus Planet. And I gotta get down to sickbay, to get rid of this hideous makeup. It is a sad reminder, and I want to get it off me and leave my sorrows behind. End log.

Finished with his log entry, Ben headed for the ship's brig to interrogate the Clingon whose shuttle had killed Ron.

"What is your name?"

"Koolaid."

"I am Avery. Captain Ben T. Avery."

"So what?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm sitting here in your brig, stupid clown face!"

Avery shot Koolaid.

Meanwhile, a certain turbolift got in the magnetic pull of McSun...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Kobill.

Suddenly, Avery found himself in a strange dimension once more.

Fleet Admiral Kanost sat behind his desk looking at Avery. "Ben," he began, "you've done a good job, but..."

"Why, thank you."

"Listen to me. You have performed well under the worst of situations, according to your log. Of course, I wouldn't have believed a word of it without actually having been there. Anyway, due to a shortage of admirals, we're putting Benterprise on mothballs and I'm promoting you to admiral."

"What?"

"Ben, she's old. She's really old. I'm sorry, but it's time she was decommissioned."

"But sir, the Benterprise was a brand new ship at the beginning of the story!"

"I know, but this story is supposed to be based on the real thing, at least somewhat." Ben went to the brig and shot Koolaid.

Ben sat in his quarters, probably for the last time, listening to Buzzard of Love, by the 21^ST century musician M.C. Tuba, one of Ben's ancestors. It had been his and Carol's song (after she left him, that is). Suddenly, there was a knock at Ben's cabin door.

"Come in," said Ben. It was Scot.

"Ben?" Gordon began. "Listen, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused, however necessary it may have been."

"Yeah, thanks, commodore."

"You noticed."

"Yes, I hear you're going to be in command of the new dreadnought, Powerhouse."

"Yeah, but first I will be commanding the science vessel Grisly on a mission to study the Leviticus Planet."

Later, in the photon torpedo room...

The End

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